On July 16, my daughter Colleen posted this image on her Facebook page with the comment: “Cheers to my Grandma, who would’ve been 85 today. Celebrating with her favorites: wine and a donut!”
Lots of likes on that one. It’s hard for friends and family to see a donut without thinking of Ruth.
My grandmother used to tell the story of a time a few months into Mom’s first marriage when she had become very unhappy and didn’t know what to do. One day when Grandma went to see her, she found her “little Ruthie” sitting at the table with a cup of coffee in one hand, a donut in the other and a big smile on her face. She had just decided to get a divorce.
My mom’s love of donuts never changed. My younger sister remembers Mom’s response to her when she faced a similar decision: “Let’s go get a donut!” In that moment and many more that had nothing to do with divorce, my mom passed on her love of small indulgences to me and my siblings. There’s a little piece of Ruth in us all.
So why share our family stories in a personal growth post? To point out how important what we like and what we want is in our lives. Our preferences are more than just things that make us happy. We are happy when we get to claim them because:
What we like and what we want are who we really are.
Our likes and wants are core elements of our identity. While we are all the same in a lot of ways, what makes us unique is our particular set of likes and wants, and by contrast our “don’t likes” and “don’t wants.” That makes the expression of our preferences our self-expression! No wonder we feel happy when what we like is validated and sad or unappreciated when it is not. Validation creates an instant heart connection.
This basic feature of our identity is the focus of our Language of Listening® for YOU class: The Art of No Compromise included in our Coaches Training. In a discussion about why we often don’t claim our preferences, one participant shared something she had kept to herself for years. All she said was, “I hate chocolate chips in cookies,” and person after person nearly rose out of their chairs trying to change her mind! It was as though her lack of agreement threatened their very existence.
There they were, demonstrating our point – when you think you need agreement or permission from others in order to say what you like, you stop. When you stop, something is missing in the world – you.
Take donuts for example. If while reading this you’ve had thoughts like, “Doesn’t she know how bad donuts are for you? Should I say something?”, go ahead. You might have been dying to tell someone what you don’t like about them for a long time! And if you want to share other things you like or don’t like in the context of a family blog, have at it! The more of you that gets expressed the better.
Like my mom’s simple tastes, yours make the world a more interesting place!
Related posts:
How to Help a Perfectionist Child (validation is not agreement)
