“If you needed to lose weight, what would be most motivating?

 

You are getting chubby. I’m not buying you any more clothes until you lose weight.

 

Or:

 

Let’s take a walk after dinner.
I’ll let you make the salad.
I love you just the way you are, exactly as you are.“

 

—Rachel Macy Stafford

That was how Rachel opened her viral blog post, “To Build (or Break) a Child’s Spirit.” Comments poured in for over a year.

Why? Because in one sitting she took readers from shame-loaded threats and nagging to supportive words of love that model what every parent wishes they could do.

One mother of a 17-year-old boy was having a particularly hard time, and reached out in the comment section. She was completely frustrated. She felt like she had fought with her son to get him to do the right things ever since he was little, but he never listened. As you can imagine, she frequently lost her patience and resorted to yelling and threats. She was beside herself with worry, and had no idea how to help him without coming across as critical or nagging. She feared she had broken his spirit.

She knew he had to change his bad habits in order to have a healthy and successful life. Those that frustrated her the most were overeating, eating junk food late at night, wearing only jean shorts and old tee shirts, looking generally unkempt, having bad breath from not brushing his teeth, hanging around in places where he could have his phone stolen. Every time she pointed one out and tried to provide helpful suggestions, he ignored her, but from the heartfelt tone of her comment, you could tell she loved him so much and would never give up on him. 

This is my reply to her, reprinted from Rachel’s blog with permission:

Rachel has invited me to respond to some of her readers with parenting concerns. Your love of your son is evident in your frustration over feeling unable to help him stay healthy, happy and safe. There is nothing more painful than to sit by and watch your child on what appears to be a downhill slide, and look back and see that you’ve felt that way for years. The way he manages himself is not what you wished for him, and you are probably worried about his future.

 

Remind yourself that he is only 17, and still has lots of time to grow up and learn things for himself. He will begin to solve his own problems quickest if you can hold back and not fix them for him. A lost phone will be his problem as long as you don’t replace it (just as you said, but be compassionate instead of mad about his distress over losing it). Bad breath will be his problem when and if his friends care, etc.

 

Also remind yourself that you can help only if he wants the help you are offering. He’s 17. You can’t make him do anything. He can’t make you do anything. At his age, if you want him to do things he doesn’t want to do, your help will feel like nagging. It will only create distance and resistance between you.

 

Rachel’s post gives you many ways to say things differently. Find out what he wants first. Then try her suggestions, which will put you on his side when you help. Start by helping with little things that he wants—things that are also OK with you—and you will begin to rebuild your connection. Rachel’s suggestion of  “How can I help?” from another post is one of my favorites.

 

Also this caught my eye. You asked if it’s wrong to tell your son he has bad breath, or if it’s bad to point out other problems. You can start to change your relationship with him most quickly if you leave behind the idea that what he does or what you do is right, wrong, good or bad. Those are judgments.

 

Try SAYing WHAT YOU SEE by describing instead of criticizing. For example, try “Your socks are on the floor” instead of “Pick those up,” so he is the one who comes up with the solution of picking them up. Stick to your boundaries and house rules, but leave out all suggestions unless you know what he wants and your suggestions will feel like help.

 

Try pointing out STRENGTHs instead of flaws.   This is far more motivating, and it draws you and your child together. Do this even in a challenging moment with your child, and it can become a rewarding one.

 

The only thing that matters is whether or not the things you each say and do WORK TO ACHIEVE THE GOALS YOU DESIRE. If not, change what you say and do.

 

Yes, he has his goals, you have yours, but on the highest plane of relationship, they overlap. You both want to feel good about each other when you are together. You both want to give respect and get respect back. You both want to love and feel loved back. If what you are doing does not help you reach those goals, stop and try something different.

 

That’s very much like Rachel’s guidance to wait, take a breath, and “choose love.” If you don’t know how to do that inside your boundaries, it’s fastest to work with a counselor or contact me for private coaching. The three-step approach I teach called Language of Listening, applies not only to young children but to teens and adults as well.

 

It’s not too late to turn things around with your son and create the relationship you long for.