One of our readers, Jab, asked a great question in a comment on “The Importance of Validation” about situations where SAYing WHAT YOU SEE doesn’t seem to work. As often happens here at Language of Listening, what started as a quick response turned in to a full-blown blog post!

Jab asked:

“I’m not having much success with SWYS. I must be missing something about it. For example when my daughter trips or falls and starts crying we go to her pick her up or hold her and say something like “you fell, that looked like it hurt, that startled you, or that was scary…”. But thru her tears she says she didn’t fall, it doesn’t hurt even thou she’s bleeding… When we didn’t see the fall, we can’t get any information from her about what hurts.

Lately this denial has spread to other things, like “when you are ready we can go to the playground” her response is “I am ready”, me: “you are still in your pajamas”, her: “no I’m not, I’m dressed”. Honestly I don’t know how to proceed after that.”

Betsy’s response:

Hi Jab,

It sounds like you’re doing everything right, and it’s still not working. That can be really frustrating when you’re trying to calm a crying child.

One of the main tenets of Language of Listening is that children MUST continue to communicate until they are heard. So even if your daughter says things that don’t make sense, take her at her word. Keep SAYing WHAT YOU SEE and following her lead. She will take you exactly where she needs to go.

When she says that she didn’t fall, or that it doesn’t hurt (even if it’s obviously untrue), continue by saying that back to her with no “end goal” in mind. She needs to know that you are not there to “fix” or change anything, just there to listen:

SWYS: “You fell! That must have hurt!”

 

Child: “No, I didn’t. I’m fine. I’m not hurt at all.”

 

SWYS: “You didn’t fall. You’re totally fine, and not hurt at all! I’m just wrong!”

 

STRENGTH: “Well, you know what you need.”

 

CAN DO: “Let me know if you want a hug or anything.”

Contradictions tell you that her need for power (being right) is higher in that moment than the need for connection (comfort).

One of the quickest ways to meet a child’s need for power is to use the phrase, “I’m wrong!” Especially if your daughter is not used to hearing it, you will see a reaction. Once she knows that you will make her “right” anytime she needs you to, the power struggles will stop.

Making a child “right” does not mean agreeing with her; it is simply stating the child’s point of view so she knows you understand. Starting with your pajama example, it could sound like this:

You: “When you are ready, we can go to the playground.”

 

Child: “I am ready.”

 

SWYS: “You are still in your pajamas.”

 

Child: “No I’m not. I’m dressed.”

 

STRENGTH: “Oh! So you know you need to be dressed to go…” (How she is right.)

 

SWYS: “…and you think pajamas count as being dressed.” (Making her “right” by seeing her POV)

 

Boundary/CAN DO: “Pajamas on playgrounds are not OK with me. Pajamas at home are OK though. Must be something fun you can do here and keep your pajamas on…”

Another subtle point is that starting with “when” as you did in, “When you are ready we can go to the playground,” makes your plans conditional on the child. To a child seeking power, this will sound like you just put her in control. If that’s not what you want, short clear CAN DOs will work better until cooperation becomes the norm.

To encourage cooperation, instead of starting with a conditional “when” or “if,” try a quick SWYS to confirm what she wants and then add specific CAN DOs:

SWYS: “You want to go to the playground.”

 

Boundary/CAN DO: “You can put your clothes on, and we will go!”

If she still argues for pajamas just because you said clothes, this is an opportunity for you to get more playful with your CAN DOs. For example, could wearing a pajama top with daytime pants work? How about making getting dressed into a game by adding funny sounds? The sound I make with kids is “shooop!” as I pull the item on, followed by a popping sound when a hand or foot or head pops through. They love it!

One last thing to consider is that if she contradicts you often, she may simply be ready to practice boundary setting herself. If you think that’s it, from time to time, try this:

SWYS: “You want to make the rules about what to wear to the park…”

 

Boundary/CAN DO: “…and those rules are for me to make. Hmmm. Must be some rules you can make!” (or “Must be some time you can make the rules for dressing,” or “Must be something/someone you can make dressing rules for.”)

Finding acceptable CAN DOs could reduce the struggle in general and create the cooperation you desire. If you (or the child) are not afraid to get silly, finding CAN DOs together as a team can often turn into a game! Let me know how this works for you!