Language of Listening® Coach, Camilla Miller of Keeping Your Cool Parenting shares what every parent needs to know when their child is acting out. Reprinted from her blog with permission.

The Most Powerful Way to Handle a Rude, Aggressive or Defiant Child.

Her cheeks red, kicking out at anyone who dared come close. “You can’t make me!” she howled. And she was right!

This was my life, and my daughter’s defiance, rudeness and disrespect were pushing my buttons. No. End.

All these thoughts would rush through my mind:

“If she speaks to me like that now, she’ll have no friends.”

“If she’s like this NOW, then what’s she going to be like as a teenager?”

“After ALL I do for her, how dare she treat ME like that.”

It was this thinking that kept me stuck.

Let me explain why… Because this changes everything.

Our thoughts about a situation are just that—thoughts.

In other words, they are our judgments about what is going on.

We can’t really SEE disrespect or stubbornness or rudeness, even though we are sure we can. What we can SEE is red cheeks, kicking and howling.

Disrespect, stubbornness or rudeness are our judgments (thoughts) about what those actions mean seen through a particular lens—the lens of good and bad. That lens was given to us by our parents, which is why we so often react like they did even when we don’t want to.

The way we as parents react to our child’s behaviour through OUR lens of good or bad becomes how our children SEE the world.

And we teach children this by the age of 7:  “good behaviour = good person” and “bad behaviour = bad person.”

I used to think my daughter was rude, defiant and stubborn.

Can you see how these judgments become your child’s character traits?

And what options do you have when you believe these judgments?

You think you have a child who IS those things. And you focus your attention on changing these traits…

The problem is these character traits aren’t really there… only in our heads.

So, why is this so important to know when we are dealing with our child’s unwanted behaviour?

When a child hears, “You’re so rude and stubborn. You only think of yourself. No wonder no one wants to be with you,” and when you link these words to your child’s behaviour, it sets the child’s core belief that BEING rude and stubborn is WHO they are.

It becomes their inner voice and drives their future behaviour for the rest of their lives.

Our words matter.

On the other hand: Acknowledgment and validation confirm WHO your child is.

When you use the first step in Language of Listening®, the simple 3-part coaching model I teach, you always start with SAY WHAT YOU SEE®:

• “You got SO frustrated AND you calmed yourself. That shows you have self-control.”

• “You really wanted that last biscuit and you shared it with your brother. That shows how thoughtful you are.”

By giving them proof (describing what they did) you secure the STRENGTH within your child and it becomes WHO they are, and their future actions are based out of it. They are a child who knows how to calm down. Who IS thoughtful…

It becomes their inner voice and drives their future behaviour for the rest of their lives.

And not to mention, you’re likely to see MORE of the behaviour you WANT because your child SEES themselves as capable.

The first step to change. I switched from my judgments to neutral observations:

• My child’s defiance to my child is kicking and defending her space—she must be feeling powerless and dysregulated

• My child’s rudeness to my child is howling—she’s struggling to communicate

• My child’s stubbornness to my child has red cheeks and is not budging—she must feel stuck

Changing how you SEE your child gives you more choices in how you react. It opens up possibilities you never thought of before.

Language of Listening teaches you a simple 3-part framework, so you can turn a once difficult situation into a positive one AND you can even go a step further and bring out your child’s STRENGTHs so YOU and your child can both feel good.

Bringing out their STRENGTHs.

Walking into the kitchen and seeing my daughter, tears running down her face, I looked at her, and all my anger evaporated.

It took time to change my daughter’s inner voice and for her to begin to see herself as capable. Now that voice has become hers, and she runs to me excited to tell me:

“Look, mummy! I calmed myself down!”

Every time I swapped my judgment for observation, I was able to see her STRENGTHs and bring out her best.

Camilla Miller is our first authorized Language of Listening® parent coach in the UK and the author of Keeping Your Cool Parenting blog where she supports parents in transforming family life with the magic of Language of Listening®. You can also connect with her on Facebook.

Get Camilla’s FREE eCourse now: How to Swap the Chaos for Willing Cooperation—just three simple steps to radically change the way you parent.